Christmas card pictures = FAIL

My child is against smiling when a camera is out.
IF she happens to smile, she will drop her head or look to the side... she does not cooperate.


We attempted to get a Christmas card picture tonight. 

50+ pictures later, the best shot is one where she is clearly staring at my rack. Looks like we will be using older, less festive pictures or having a re-shoot in a few days.

It's Starting!

     Someone, please come steal some of my Christmas spirit. (Mr. M would appreciate it.) I am not 100% sure why but I am completely throwing myself into it this year. Part of me thinks that it's because I know that if I slow down, give myself time to actually think... I would end up sad. This whole "trying to get pregnant" journey, I've fought the desire to be sad. I've allowed myself to be angry and frustrated even disappointed but for some reason, I feel like I'm not entitled to be sad. I have one child... A child we were told wouldn't be with us long, what do I have to be sad about?? Yes, she is enough. More than enough. E is absolutely amazing and loved more than I could ever put into words! But, I would be lying if I said a part of me didn't long for first words and first steps. First dates and weddings. Would I be ok if E is the only child we are blessed with? Ok is an understatement. We would be ecstatic and thankful for her... Like we already are! Everyday! Does this change the fact that I would like a 2nd child? No. Does wanting a 2nd child mean we are any less thankful for E? No way! It's just a really tough emotion to put into words. Anyways... I guess this is why I don't feel like I am allowed to be sad. I already have so much AMAZING in my life. So much love.
     The tree is up. The stockings are up. The presents (what we have so far) are wrapped and Christmas music has been playing since Friday! E is loving all of it! The lights, the sounds... Her smile is amazing!
     It's surreal. This is our 2nd Christmas trying to get pregnant. Last year, I was so convinced I'd be pregnant by Christmas that I ordered Mr. M this big fortune cookie and had the fortune say "congratulations Daddy, E is going to be a big sister"! Christmas came and went. Ok, I will hold onto it for Valentines Day... Nope. Mr. M's birthday in March? Nice thought... But no. I ended up just giving it to him. We nibbled at the cookie and threw the fortune out. You never expect it to take this long. But, we have some amazing people to help get through. I really only talk talk to one friend about all of this, Mrs. L, and she is amazing. A huge support and one of the best people I have ever met. We laugh... A lot. 17 years of friendship does that to people. Brings us back to giggling 11 year olds on the playground. I love it.
     I am using the blogger app on my phone and I'm not a fan. My spacebar completely broke off my laptop so I am stuck with my phone and kindle for now. I wanted to add a picture of our tree... But I'm not sure if that's even possible. Hmmm....
Hey, it worked ;)

Gobble, Gobble!

     CD1 on Thanksgiving. Gross. I think that since I knew I wasn't pregnant and that we have to avoid getting pregnant for a while, it didn't hit me hard at all.

    I drank wine, stuffed my face and cried while saying my "I'm thankful for..." like I have every year since E was born. I'm thankful for and appreciate EVERYTHING because of her. She wasn't supposed to see her first Thanksgiving... and yesterday was number 5! She has helped take me from a selfish, spoiled and snotty child to a gracious, hopeful and thankful woman. She has made me the best possible version of myself! I guess the number 1 thing I am thankful for is her strength. She is a fighter. She fights everyday of her life.

     The highlight of my Thanksgiving? Seeing the way she looks at Mr. M when he holds her. She loves her daddy so much!

Happy Thanksgiving

2012

Survey says...

TTA for the next 4-6 weeks.

     RE repeated the ultrasound and came out with a size of 6.1cm's. It's a complex/hemorrhagic cyst - filled with blood and some tiny bits of tissue. RE said that if I can try to get through the pain for the next week, it should get better. Apparently it's one of the most painful types... so it's going to be a Percocet filled Thanksgiving! I go back in a week to "re-assess the situation". If the pain gets worse or isn't well controlled, I will have to go into the OR and have it removed.

     We have decided that once this bad boy is gone, we will be moving on to IUI. So, MAYBE December, but probably more like January. We'll see what my body decides to do. 

     I'm so angry/frustrated with my body.  Today is one of those days I am having a hard time "Looking on the bright side".

HEY, I found the silver lining... Percs should make certain family members a little more tolerable on Thanksgiving ;)

Really?!

    I went to my PCP yesterday because I've been dizzy, nauseous and throwing up off and on for almost 2 weeks. They did labs, urine test and an ultrasound. I have another freakin' cyst! (5.6cm) I am waiting to hear from my RE... my PCP was contacting them. I'm so annoyed. I know people deal with a lot worse than this... but today, I'm pissed.

Crazy? Could be...

     I am one of THOSE people...  I want to put my Christmas tree up! Mr. M would probably divorce me. (It might be a chance I'm willing to take.) Christmas just gives me that feeling... that sappy, cliché, warm and fuzzy feeling. Ok and I also want the tree up so that we can take our Christmas card picture before December 20th this year. Hi, I like to procrastinate.

     My mother created a monster!

     I grew up thinking Christmas threw up inside EVERYONE'S home... Nope, just ours. I would go to a friends houses and couldn't understand why they just had a tree, stockings and a wreath. I managed to fight off my crazy Christmas roots until recently - the last 2 years, I have fully embraced them! If the worst thing someone can say about me is, "Bitch goes cray cray on Christmas", I'll take it.

     E isn't REALLY able to "get" the whole Christmas thing, but she absolutely loves the lights and music! (so clearly I go overboard for her. Yeah, that's it. For the kid.)

     I'm off to bring some boxes of Christmas cheer up from the basement. I WILL behave until the day after Thanksgiving... repeat, repeat, repeat...


Anyone know of a good divorce attorney? ;)

Blingity-Bling!

Alright - enough of that heavy chizzz...

      I don't know when I ovulated, I know it was last week and I only had sex twice last week. Screwed. (due to a lack of screwing.) I think Mr. M is feeling bad that I'm not knocked up yet. I've been... frustrated lately. Not sad, just frustrated. Anyways, he brought me out for a nice dinner last night and gave me my Christmas present... shiny new bling! I had a cute little 3 stone ring, it was a cheap replacement for my huge rock that went MIA. It was cute, but it didn't have sentimental value, this one already does. I pointed out a similar one in a magazine and said I LOVED it. He remembered. Pay no attention to the wrinkly old lady hand... ew.

     Needless to say - this cheered me up! I'm ready for cycle 12 if this isn't my month. I'm ready to kick cycle 12's ass!