Ahhh

Home from Cancun and feeling well rested! Nothing much to report on the TTC front... I had no follicles last week, just big cysts, so I'm just waiting it out. I will update more after my u/s next week checking on my cyst.

Cancun was beautiful... and the alone time with Mr. M was completely necessary!

Vacation...

Is that you? Not until Monday, but YES. (and I am more and more ready everyday)
 
I still have huge hemorrhagic cysts... well, as of this afternoon, cyst. I had one rupture (hello antibiotics)... and this was after a root canal bright and early this morning. I'm completely over today.  

The cyst on my right ovary is 6cm and it (along with my ovary) is so far behind my uterus it's almost on the left side. Sneaky sneaky! My RE gave me the option of removing it tonight or tomorrow and missing our trip, or using pain meds and doing NOTHING strenuous on vacation. I said no to surgery, but they have me penciled in for tomorrow morning in case something gets worse or I change my mind.

I'm hoping to find my happy, always optimistic self while we are gone next week. Well, I'm still optimistic, just not about adding to our family. I need to work on that. I'm all about being realistic, but it's still nice to have hope.

Just Keep Swimming...

     No real news... nothing exciting happening, just treading water. I still have cysts - My abdomen could start selling sports equipment soon: 1 the size of a golfball, 1 the size of a baseball and 1 the size of a softball. I'm not temping or using OPK's so who knows when or if I will ovulate. (I'm CD17 right now) I've been pretty down about the whole TTC thing lately, but I'm sure it will pass.

     We leave for Cancun in 10 days! I can't wait... But I am going to miss E like crazy! She is doing really well - knock on wood. She better keep it up while we are gone.

     My latest addiction? Rihanna "Stay"... Can't stop listening to it!

   

MmmKay.

New RE was basically a bust. She told me my current doctor is doing a great job and it will just take time. She said IVF is an option and ups our chances but she feels we really can get pregnant without it. She ordered some repeat labs for cd3 and cd10 and a cd10 ultrasound... Nothing too exciting. No more clomid for me because of my lining and cysts.

Unless something crazy shows up in the labs, the plan is Femara next cycle, trigger and either timed intercourse or another IUI. (if my cysts have hit the road by then.) So for now, hurry up, wait and have some fun/sex with my husband. Oh yeah... And head to Cancun in less than 3 weeks :) We need this break but the thought of leaving E for 5 days is literally breaking my heart.

Worst.Moment.Ever

One minute you are holding and bouncing your giggling child, the next - they are convulsing and gasping for air... in your arms.

I experienced my scariest moment as a mom this morning... E's first ever grand mal seizure. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but it felt like an hour! She has a seizure disorder, but has NEVER had anything like this happen before. We have O2/heart rate monitors, oxygen, and valium so we were able to give the 911 operator and the paramedics a lot of specifics. I can't say thank you enough to the amazing team who helped us both over the phone and in person.

E is on 2 seizure medications and because of some vomiting last night, her levels were a little lower than her therapeutic range... and when I say a little, I really do mean a little. It's scary that such a small change can result in something like that.

She was given the valium at our house and two doses of each of her seizure meds at the hospital. We are home now and she is knocked out from all of the medications. Once she stopped seizing, while she was leaving the house with me, Mr M and the paramedics... she actually giggled. She was exhausted, but smiling. She is seriously the strongest person I have ever met in my entire life.

CD1

Well... IUI #1 was officially a bust. I knew it would be; my doctor knew it would be - but I still wanted to hold onto some hope.

Wine will be flowing tonight, oh yes, wine will be flowing.

The "Poor Me's"

Yeah, I have a case of them.

I was in horrible pain Monday night and went to the ER. I have a 3cm hemorrhagic cyst on my right ovary, two 3.5cm hemorrhagic cysts on my left ovary and my left ovary is over 8cm in size. (2.5-5 is "average")

OH and the icing on the cake... my lining is even thinner than it was at my midcycle scan, so even if the IUI was successful, implantation would be almost impossible.

I think I've cried once during the 19 months since we started trying to get pregnant... it was wine induced,  sloppy and months ago. But I feel a meltdown coming. SCREW YOU, INFERTILITY! I'm angry, I'm sad and I'm scared that it just won't happen for us. I get these horribly painful hemorrhagic cysts whether I'm on medicated cycles or not. I will be seeing an RE with a lot of experience with cysts once my period shows up.

I'm just feeling broken today. Physically and emotionally. I try to be so positive and so happy... I mean, look at E! Look at what she goes through on a daily basis - look at the fact that SHE IS HERE! What right do I have to sad? Well, today, I am.