Tomorrow.

E goes into the OR tomorrow at 10:30am . I just keep staring at her - my eyes well up and I have to remind myself to breath. My mind goes to "worst case" scenarios. Thinking that there is even a 1% chance that your child may not wake up... may never sleep in her own bed again, it's gut wrenching.

What if...? What if...?

I KNOW how strong she is, I KNOW she is a fighter. I just wish she didn't have to fight so hard all of the time. I really do know that she will be okay, that her surgical team is incredible and she will be home soon enough. But, it doesn't stop me from worrying.

I'm crying while I type this and she is giggling away... I had to stop and smile.

My kid is pretty freakin' amazing.

Crazytown.

That's where I'm currently residing.

I've been so busy with Em's upcoming surgery, that TTC is kind of on the back burner. I mean, we haven't stopped trying, we just aren't trying as hard as we have been the last 2 years!

E had one of her pre-op appointments on Monday - this is the update I posted on her "prayers" page on FB to keep friends, family and even a few complete strangers updated on how she is. (Prayers For Emily)

"It was a long, stressful & emotional day in Boston! Em had labs, xrays, an ortho appointment, appointments with a pre-op nurse and anesthesia. What we learned from anesthesia: This is Em's biggest surgery. She has never been under for more than 2 or 3 hours and this will be anywhere from 5 to 8 hours. Based on her respiratory problems and neurological deficits, they estimated that there is a 10-20% that Em won't wake up or will need to be on the vent long-term. It's strange, when you hear that there is a 10-20% chance of something good happening... it seems so small, so unlikely. But when it's something scary? Those numbers seem so big. But we know Em, she's a fighter. She's got this. 80-90%? Those are some pretty great odds.

Ortho went over the surgery in detail. He will be breaking the top of her femur so that he can use pins and a plate to curve it into the hip socket. (I'm posting a picture that shows what I'm describing) He is hoping he won't need to reshape the sockets... but if he does, that will add 2 hours onto the surgery time. He will be lengthening her adductor and and hamstring muscles. The plan right now is to extubate her right after surgery and send her to the ortho floor instead of the ICU. If she can't be intubated right away or if there are any complication, they will send her to the ICU. A 100% uneventful surgery/stay would be a 4-5 day hospitalization - we were told that her stay will probably be about a week. They also cancelled her CT scan that was supposed to be Wednesday, they don't want her under anesthesia twice in two weeks.

We were given a lot of information today... our heads are still spinning, but I think this sums it up! Thank you so much for your thoughts - Please feel free to share this, the more prayers the better!"

This is what she will be having done to both hips: 

On a happy note... I FINALLY got my "Emily" tattoo last night. The timing made it even more special...

Raving!

About these freakin' pork chops! Seriously! So simple, fresh and delicious. I highly recommend giving them a shot. I added a little more balsamic and served them with cilantro lime brown rice and sliced cucumbers. NOM NOM!

Cheesy Bruschetta Pork Chops

MOAR vacation pictures!

Yup - that's all the entry is.

Chug Chug...

...Chuggin' along!

Nothing too exciting going on over here. Had a nice family vacation last week... 8 days on a lake in VT. No cable, no cell phone, it was VERY relaxing. (I DID buy internet for the week. Gosh, I'm not an animal!)

Em HATES cold water. Ok, she hates all water that is colder than bath water (gets that from me)... this picture shows how much of a daddys girl she is. (and borderline albino?) That water was chilly and she still smiled at him.

Now we are just waiting for her big pre-op appointment on the 26th and her surgery on September 3rd. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. Medicated cycles are on hold until after her surgery and probably a good month into her recovery. We will try on our own in the meantime and I might even pick up my BBT next cycle, it's been a while old friend!

It's been an uneventful week back from vacation. MrM had an old 2002 Dodge Stratus that died a few months ago (he's been using his motorcycle since) and it was time for a replacement. 2010 Hyundai Elantra - nothing fancy or new, very basic, but EXCELLENT gas mileage. (He drives about 70 miles round trip to work, so fuel efficiency is a plus)

That's the extent of this weeks excitement.

Oh, and we are going out to dinner tonight while E's nurse is with her. Bar food and a beer at a local brewery, yum.

I love food. The end.

Vacation, all I ever wanted! Vacation, had to get away!

First off... TTC related, I'm almost positive I'm out this cycle. I have all the PMS symptoms and AF will be here within the next week - The only good part of that? I'm on CD26 - WITHOUT meds. So this is how the other half lives! (The ones who don't need meds to ovulate and have 50-100+ day cycles) I could get used to this. But I won't.

We are planning our family vacation to a tiny cabin on a lake in the middle of nowhere in VT, we are leaving July 27th. (Mr M's uncle is half owner and we go every summer for 1 week) It's beautiful... but secluded. My OCD/anxiety ridden self (diagnosed, not one of those people who is like, "OMG I am sooooo OCD". Since E came along, OCD and anxiety have popped up. Did she have this med? Am I SURE she did? Make sure her oxygen is on... 10 times. and it is. Don't sleep, she might stop breathing! ETC...) well, the lists have started. First of all, we will be 3 1/2 hours from her hospital. The one with all of her specialists, the one who has known her since birth. We will be about 30 minutes from the nearest hospital - and that scares the shit out of me. I freak out for weeks before this vacation every year. Horrible panic attacks. Then everything is absolutely perfect while we are there. I don't know if I would consider it irrational, because I have reasons... and it doesn't interfere with our trip - it's always perfect. I'm just a list making, heart racing, over-packing basket case.

With all of that being said... the 3 of us NEED this time alone together and I can not wait. E is having her huge hip surgery on September 3rd... because of her respiratory issues and her brain damage and the fact that she could be under anesthesia for up to 8 hours - there is a 10-20% chance she won't wake up or will end up on the vent long term. (I will be asking for prayers on TB that day, even if it's in poor taste and completely unrelated to TTC.) We just really need this vacation to do absolutely nothing but enjoy eachother and every single giggle. So all of the stress leading up to it, is TINY when you look at the big picture :)

Anyways, I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July. We had a blast! Sun, swimming, grilling... perfection!

Mr M on the 4th...he has magical powers!

July 1st...

Today we hit the 2 year mark of trying to get pregnant... 24 months - that's 730 days. Those are some big, scary and overwhelming numbers. I'm having a rough day.
I know that we are doing all that we can and that should make me feel better... but it makes me feel worse. We are giving it all we can, doing everything "right" and it's STILL not happening? I'm just so angry and so sad all at the same time!

I'm going to cry it out today, drink some wine tonight and wait for a good day... thankfully, I'm blessed with FAR more good days than bad days!

On to happier news!
E was finally baptized on Saturday! In the Greek church, you receive your first communion at the same time as your baptism. The picture below is of E receiving her first communion... spoon in her mouth, smiling away at the priest! I love that little girl so much. It was a beautiful day, filled with so much love and hope. It was amazing. Her gown was made completely from my wedding dress!