Vacation, all I ever wanted! Vacation, had to get away!

First off... TTC related, I'm almost positive I'm out this cycle. I have all the PMS symptoms and AF will be here within the next week - The only good part of that? I'm on CD26 - WITHOUT meds. So this is how the other half lives! (The ones who don't need meds to ovulate and have 50-100+ day cycles) I could get used to this. But I won't.

We are planning our family vacation to a tiny cabin on a lake in the middle of nowhere in VT, we are leaving July 27th. (Mr M's uncle is half owner and we go every summer for 1 week) It's beautiful... but secluded. My OCD/anxiety ridden self (diagnosed, not one of those people who is like, "OMG I am sooooo OCD". Since E came along, OCD and anxiety have popped up. Did she have this med? Am I SURE she did? Make sure her oxygen is on... 10 times. and it is. Don't sleep, she might stop breathing! ETC...) well, the lists have started. First of all, we will be 3 1/2 hours from her hospital. The one with all of her specialists, the one who has known her since birth. We will be about 30 minutes from the nearest hospital - and that scares the shit out of me. I freak out for weeks before this vacation every year. Horrible panic attacks. Then everything is absolutely perfect while we are there. I don't know if I would consider it irrational, because I have reasons... and it doesn't interfere with our trip - it's always perfect. I'm just a list making, heart racing, over-packing basket case.

With all of that being said... the 3 of us NEED this time alone together and I can not wait. E is having her huge hip surgery on September 3rd... because of her respiratory issues and her brain damage and the fact that she could be under anesthesia for up to 8 hours - there is a 10-20% chance she won't wake up or will end up on the vent long term. (I will be asking for prayers on TB that day, even if it's in poor taste and completely unrelated to TTC.) We just really need this vacation to do absolutely nothing but enjoy eachother and every single giggle. So all of the stress leading up to it, is TINY when you look at the big picture :)

Anyways, I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July. We had a blast! Sun, swimming, grilling... perfection!

Mr M on the 4th...he has magical powers!

July 1st...

Today we hit the 2 year mark of trying to get pregnant... 24 months - that's 730 days. Those are some big, scary and overwhelming numbers. I'm having a rough day.
I know that we are doing all that we can and that should make me feel better... but it makes me feel worse. We are giving it all we can, doing everything "right" and it's STILL not happening? I'm just so angry and so sad all at the same time!

I'm going to cry it out today, drink some wine tonight and wait for a good day... thankfully, I'm blessed with FAR more good days than bad days!

On to happier news!
E was finally baptized on Saturday! In the Greek church, you receive your first communion at the same time as your baptism. The picture below is of E receiving her first communion... spoon in her mouth, smiling away at the priest! I love that little girl so much. It was a beautiful day, filled with so much love and hope. It was amazing. Her gown was made completely from my wedding dress!

Well, ok!

Well, CD1 arrived MUCH earlier than expected - I don't think I have EVER had a 29 day cycle. (thank you, femara) After talking with my RE's office about the timing of monitoring appointments and the IUI... we are just going natural this cycle. E is being baptized at the end of the month (which would be right around IUI day) and I have so much to do for that - I think a cycle without meds would be nice. So... IUI #2... on hold, again! (This time, I'm ok with it and was a part of the decision.)

Nothing else to report - I just got off the phone with my RE's nurse and wanted to update.

May your past be the sound, of your feet upon the ground...

Carry on!

Well, IUI #2 was put off until next cycle - I messed up my back and was stuck in bed for a bit. I was really excited about this cycle! I started out 100% cyst free thanks to birth control and I was so optimistic. We had sex randomly, when I was up to it... but it wasn't often. Our chances are pretty much zero. Hopefully I can stay cyst free for next cycle - ehh, not too confident about that, though.

It's just so frustrating and July 1st we will hit the 2 year mark... that's a scary and overwhelming number. It's been such a long journey! So many ups and downs, tests, surgeries, medications, procedures, meltdowns, prayers... I've felt guilty, angry, sad, blessed, cheated and a million other emotions. All I know, without doubt and without question, is that I could not have gotten through these last two years (or the 6 years since E was born, for that matter) without Mr. M. Yes it's sappy and cliché, but he is my rock.

I had never heard about secondary infertility before it became my struggle... and even now, I have a hard time saying that I am struggling with infertility. I mean, I already have one child. It's just a very strange feeling... I'm not sure "where" I belong, where I fit. Yes, I have a child, but no - I never had first steps or first words. I know the world of motherhood through raising E. Hospitals, therapies, surgeries, feeding tubes, not being able to sit, walk, talk, roll etc... As new and scary as our life would be to most people, that's what having a healthy child would be like for us. And we yearn for that! We have learned to take it in stride, to look for the good. We know we are blessed and we are thankful for what and who we have in our lives everyday!

I'm not looking forward to July 1st, but we'll get through it. We'll keep on keepin' on! ;)

I've got my ticket for the long way 'round...

The one with the prettiest of views!

It's got mountains, it's got rivers...

It's got sights to give you shivers,

But it sure would be prettier with you!

I am addicted to this song... It gets stuck in my head for days on end!

I'm in party planning mode for E's birthday on the second, which is making the waiting to O portion of this cycle pretty easy. My monitoring appointment is 2 days before her party... if I've responded well, the IUI will be the morning of her party - what a busy/exciting day! Now, I just need sunshine so that the 25+ people can be outside instead of stuck in the house! Fingers crossed.

All I can say is... You've come a long way, Kid!

I remember being told she wouldn't survive her NICU stay, then that she wouldn't survive her first few months, THEN that she wouldn't see her first birthday. The doctors have finally stopped making predictions! She is a miracle and a fighter... the sky is the limit and every second of every single day is an absolute gift. I don't take a single smile, a single moment, a single breath for granted. Thanks for the reality check 6 years ago, baby girl! And thank you for teaching me how to be thankful for the small stuff (along with the big stuff).

Yes... I'm still around!

I'm ending my 6 week round of birth control pills this week... finally, we are back in the game!

Since I am finally cyst free (had an ultrasound this morning) I will be doing Femara, Ovidrel trigger shot and an IUI this coming cycle. It's on like Donkey Kong! Come on lucky month 23/cycle 16--- ew, I did not like typing that.

Soooo, E will be turning 6 in 13 days, can I just say, MIND = BLOWN! On one hand, it seems like she was just born. On the other hand, with all we have been through with her, it feels like it's been 20 years! I'm thankful for every second of it, though.

Sorry that this is short and to the point - but, laundry calls while the kiddo naps!

Caught off guard? Yup...

We found out yesterday that Emily will be having a major hip surgery in June. (we knew it was coming, but thought we had another 1-2 years, unfortunately, her xrays said otherwise.)

Her hips are on the verge of dislocating - the surgeon will be shortening both femurs, cleaning out the actual sockets and completely reshaping them. She will also be having the tendons all throughout her legs lengthened. She will be in the hospital (in Boston) for 1-2+ weeks, depending on her recovery. It will be a long and painful surgery (about 6-8 hours) and she will be in a cast/brace for 6 weeks and it will take about 6 months for her to fully recover from this surgery. She has never been under anesthesia for this long before... add in her pulmonary problems and you get two very scared and worried parents.

We KNOW she needs this surgery... but it's still the scariest thing we have faced so far! My heart breaks because she just won't be able to understand why she is in so much pain... why she can't kick her legs... why we can't bounce and play like we always do.

I hate that she has to deal with these things. I HATE that things have to be so hard for her.