Christmas card pictures = FAIL

My child is against smiling when a camera is out.
IF she happens to smile, she will drop her head or look to the side... she does not cooperate.


We attempted to get a Christmas card picture tonight. 

50+ pictures later, the best shot is one where she is clearly staring at my rack. Looks like we will be using older, less festive pictures or having a re-shoot in a few days.

It's Starting!

     Someone, please come steal some of my Christmas spirit. (Mr. M would appreciate it.) I am not 100% sure why but I am completely throwing myself into it this year. Part of me thinks that it's because I know that if I slow down, give myself time to actually think... I would end up sad. This whole "trying to get pregnant" journey, I've fought the desire to be sad. I've allowed myself to be angry and frustrated even disappointed but for some reason, I feel like I'm not entitled to be sad. I have one child... A child we were told wouldn't be with us long, what do I have to be sad about?? Yes, she is enough. More than enough. E is absolutely amazing and loved more than I could ever put into words! But, I would be lying if I said a part of me didn't long for first words and first steps. First dates and weddings. Would I be ok if E is the only child we are blessed with? Ok is an understatement. We would be ecstatic and thankful for her... Like we already are! Everyday! Does this change the fact that I would like a 2nd child? No. Does wanting a 2nd child mean we are any less thankful for E? No way! It's just a really tough emotion to put into words. Anyways... I guess this is why I don't feel like I am allowed to be sad. I already have so much AMAZING in my life. So much love.
     The tree is up. The stockings are up. The presents (what we have so far) are wrapped and Christmas music has been playing since Friday! E is loving all of it! The lights, the sounds... Her smile is amazing!
     It's surreal. This is our 2nd Christmas trying to get pregnant. Last year, I was so convinced I'd be pregnant by Christmas that I ordered Mr. M this big fortune cookie and had the fortune say "congratulations Daddy, E is going to be a big sister"! Christmas came and went. Ok, I will hold onto it for Valentines Day... Nope. Mr. M's birthday in March? Nice thought... But no. I ended up just giving it to him. We nibbled at the cookie and threw the fortune out. You never expect it to take this long. But, we have some amazing people to help get through. I really only talk talk to one friend about all of this, Mrs. L, and she is amazing. A huge support and one of the best people I have ever met. We laugh... A lot. 17 years of friendship does that to people. Brings us back to giggling 11 year olds on the playground. I love it.
     I am using the blogger app on my phone and I'm not a fan. My spacebar completely broke off my laptop so I am stuck with my phone and kindle for now. I wanted to add a picture of our tree... But I'm not sure if that's even possible. Hmmm....
Hey, it worked ;)

Gobble, Gobble!

     CD1 on Thanksgiving. Gross. I think that since I knew I wasn't pregnant and that we have to avoid getting pregnant for a while, it didn't hit me hard at all.

    I drank wine, stuffed my face and cried while saying my "I'm thankful for..." like I have every year since E was born. I'm thankful for and appreciate EVERYTHING because of her. She wasn't supposed to see her first Thanksgiving... and yesterday was number 5! She has helped take me from a selfish, spoiled and snotty child to a gracious, hopeful and thankful woman. She has made me the best possible version of myself! I guess the number 1 thing I am thankful for is her strength. She is a fighter. She fights everyday of her life.

     The highlight of my Thanksgiving? Seeing the way she looks at Mr. M when he holds her. She loves her daddy so much!

Happy Thanksgiving

2012

Survey says...

TTA for the next 4-6 weeks.

     RE repeated the ultrasound and came out with a size of 6.1cm's. It's a complex/hemorrhagic cyst - filled with blood and some tiny bits of tissue. RE said that if I can try to get through the pain for the next week, it should get better. Apparently it's one of the most painful types... so it's going to be a Percocet filled Thanksgiving! I go back in a week to "re-assess the situation". If the pain gets worse or isn't well controlled, I will have to go into the OR and have it removed.

     We have decided that once this bad boy is gone, we will be moving on to IUI. So, MAYBE December, but probably more like January. We'll see what my body decides to do. 

     I'm so angry/frustrated with my body.  Today is one of those days I am having a hard time "Looking on the bright side".

HEY, I found the silver lining... Percs should make certain family members a little more tolerable on Thanksgiving ;)

Really?!

    I went to my PCP yesterday because I've been dizzy, nauseous and throwing up off and on for almost 2 weeks. They did labs, urine test and an ultrasound. I have another freakin' cyst! (5.6cm) I am waiting to hear from my RE... my PCP was contacting them. I'm so annoyed. I know people deal with a lot worse than this... but today, I'm pissed.

Crazy? Could be...

     I am one of THOSE people...  I want to put my Christmas tree up! Mr. M would probably divorce me. (It might be a chance I'm willing to take.) Christmas just gives me that feeling... that sappy, cliché, warm and fuzzy feeling. Ok and I also want the tree up so that we can take our Christmas card picture before December 20th this year. Hi, I like to procrastinate.

     My mother created a monster!

     I grew up thinking Christmas threw up inside EVERYONE'S home... Nope, just ours. I would go to a friends houses and couldn't understand why they just had a tree, stockings and a wreath. I managed to fight off my crazy Christmas roots until recently - the last 2 years, I have fully embraced them! If the worst thing someone can say about me is, "Bitch goes cray cray on Christmas", I'll take it.

     E isn't REALLY able to "get" the whole Christmas thing, but she absolutely loves the lights and music! (so clearly I go overboard for her. Yeah, that's it. For the kid.)

     I'm off to bring some boxes of Christmas cheer up from the basement. I WILL behave until the day after Thanksgiving... repeat, repeat, repeat...


Anyone know of a good divorce attorney? ;)

Blingity-Bling!

Alright - enough of that heavy chizzz...

      I don't know when I ovulated, I know it was last week and I only had sex twice last week. Screwed. (due to a lack of screwing.) I think Mr. M is feeling bad that I'm not knocked up yet. I've been... frustrated lately. Not sad, just frustrated. Anyways, he brought me out for a nice dinner last night and gave me my Christmas present... shiny new bling! I had a cute little 3 stone ring, it was a cheap replacement for my huge rock that went MIA. It was cute, but it didn't have sentimental value, this one already does. I pointed out a similar one in a magazine and said I LOVED it. He remembered. Pay no attention to the wrinkly old lady hand... ew.

     Needless to say - this cheered me up! I'm ready for cycle 12 if this isn't my month. I'm ready to kick cycle 12's ass!
    
  

The Turth, The Whole Truth... Nothing but The Truth.

     Where should I start? How about the beginning...

     On May 12th, 2007 I married my soul mate, Mr. M - and on May 26th, 2007 (exactly 2 weeks later) I gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Emily. The honeymoon was over. 
     
     My pregnancy was uneventful, but my first month as a mother was anything but. When E was born, she seemed healthy - but she failed her newborn hearing test. Her pediatrician, Dr. Nelson, ordered a head ultrasound "just in case" and we waited to be released until the results were in.  Dr. Nelson came in, shut the TV off and we knew it wasn't good. All we were told was, "I'm not a neurologist, but it's not good.". We were sent home and told to call our local children's hospital and get her in with a neurologist, she was stable.

 

     We spent 7 days at home... waiting for her appointment, not knowing if we were going to lose her, not having any clue what was wrong.

     When we went to Boston Children's Hospital, E immediately went in for an MRI. Her neurologist asked for a private family room where he could speak to us... yet again, it can't be good news. We were told our baby girl, our perfect 10 day old, pink cheeked, fuzzy headed 8lb baby was missing the majority of her brain. The doctor didn't know if she had a series of strokes, a genetic disease or developed some kind of infection. We were also told that she had hydrocephalus, the fluid wasn't draining from around her brain... she needed emergency surgery. They drilled a hole in her skull and inserted a "drain"; the tubing goes under her skin all the way into her stomach where it drains. She was admitted to the NICU immediately.

     

      It was a long, hard 4 weeks. Em developed seizures, had a bleed after surgery and spent almost a week on a vent. Finally we had our "Family Meeting"... we sat at a table, in a room surrounded by doctors. We listened to them tell us she wouldn't see her first birthday, she would be blind & deaf, she would never move, smile, make a sound, never sit, roll over, walk or talk. She would be a vegetable. Our world crumbled. No first steps? No first words? No first date? We brought home our baby, not knowing how long we would have her.

    Cut to present day... our beautiful 5 year old is very much alive! It has been a long road... full of hospitalizations, surgeries, therapies and specialists. She uses oxygen now and then, she is unable to walk, talk or sit up, she can barely move her arms at all; she has a feeding tube and she is legally blind but let me tell you -- her smile and her giggle are infectious! This little girl loves life more than anyone I have ever met... and she has every reason and every right not to. She coos and yells, she kicks her legs when she is excited and she has perfect hearing. She is our miracle, our hope. We don't know how much time we have... but everyday is a blessing.

     In July 2011, after extensive genetic testing and the "OK" from the geneticist, Mr. M and I started trying for our 2nd baby. My cycles have always been whacky, but, E came from having sex twice without protection so, it was completely going to be a piece of cake. Yeah right. Here we are in November of 2012, 16 months later, no baby. (I could have almost had 2 by now!)  I had a lap&dye in February 2012 (a couple of small incisions, and dye was put into my fallopian tubes to make sure they were clear) Nope, they weren't. My doctor was able to clear one of my tubes, but not the other. It was a rough surgery... a blood vessel was cut and I ended up inpatient getting blood transfusions. No fun. I'm not ovulating on my own and have PCOS, there are a bunch of TINY painless cysts on my ovaries, so I have been taking medications to help out with that. Clomid gave me big cysts and thinned my lining so on to Femara. 
     
     I ovulated last week so now I'm just waiting to see what this cycle brings... I'm always cautiously optimistic, with everything in my life. This is no exception.