Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!

"I Know Different"

I stumbled across this tonight and it is absolutely perfect...

"I Know Different"


Dear mommy,

I have felt your tears, falling on my face.
Someone else might think they are tears of sadness, because of what I can't do.
I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know those tears pour from your heart out of gratitude for me, because of what I CAN do : I can love everyone in the purest form possible. Unconditionally. I can be judged, but will never judge in return.
I know different because I feel, in your hugs and kisses, that I'm perfect just the way I am.
I have seen you hang your head down in shame, when we go out on adventures.
Someone else might think you are ashamed of having a child like me.
I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know you are ashamed of the grown-ups who ignore me, yet talk happily to all the other children. The grown-ups who won't look you in the eye, but stare at me, when they think you don't see. I know different because I've seen the many, many more times you have raised your head up high, with pride, because I'm yours. : )
I have heard you whispering desperate prayers at night. Someone else might think you are asking God to make me a typical kid.
I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know you are thanking Him that I got to be here, with you, for another day- exactly how I am. I know different because I have heard you ask me never to leave you. And I have heard you cheer for me, every single day of my life- you tell me I don't need to be typical to be amazing, I just need to be here.
I know you have a big job, taking care of me.
I know your body hurts, because I'm getting so big.
I know that more than anything, you want to hear me say your name.
And I know you worry that you aren't good enough, and that you will fail me.
BUT I KNOW DIFFERENT MOMMY.....
I know that even on your worst days, you will always be enough for me, and I will always love you more than you know.
by Tricia Proefrock

I like to overdo things...

Well... I'm on the mend. Slowly.

Having a 40lb child who can not sit up or even hold their head up is hard on a good day... nevermind when I feel like someone spent hours stabbing my insides. Today is a bad day. I haven't been resting much at all since surgery and I'm paying for it. I lifted E earlier, she was crying and miserable, and I felt a pop inside and have had this awful burning pain since. Mr. M is on a mini vacation starting tomorrow. He doesn't go back to work until Thursday, which makes me smile. A lot.

I wasn't super loopy after surgery... (a huge thank you to Mrs. L and my dad who stayed with me in shifts!) But I did announce to the nurses that "Mrs. L is my prettiest friend, please don't tell the ugly ones!" Haha! Christmas was okay. I did a lot of stairs which wasn't a great idea, but I was spoiled by my family. (Honestly, I love doing the spoiling. Mr. M and I aren't rich or even close... but we were able to do a little more for our loved ones this year than usual and their faces were amazing!)

 I'm attaching a few pictures from my kindle so they will probably be huge until I get on the laptop and shrink them! Me with my new iPod, Mr. M with his new surround sound, E looking festive and my gorgeous get well soon flowers and framed family picture from my wonderful husband.


I'm blessed with so many amazing people in my life! Thankful everyday!

Home!

I'm home from the hospital! Had a lot of unexpected stuff done. They removed my cyst, cleaned up a bunch of scar tissue and endometriosis which resulted in my blocked tube opening up! I'm very sore since they did quite a bit of "work" in there... But happy to be home. Enjoy this lovely picture of my lucky socks - and sexy hospital booties! ( sorry if it's huge. I'm on mobile and it only posts one size. I will shrink it when I get on the laptop )

What are YOU doing on Christmas Eve?

Oh, me? I'll be in the OR at 7:30am.

My cyst is still big and painful and my doctor wants it out. You can actually see/feel it through my belly! They will be re-checking my tubes, looking for endo and all that stuff while they are in there, too. She told me it will be more painful and longer than my last lap since they will really be moving things around and taking something out. Fun.

I have to be at the hospital at 6:15am and Mr. M can't get the day off from work :( BUT my amazing friend Mrs. L offered to babysit me! If I can't have the husband there... she is the next best thing! (she is great at keeping me smiling.) I'm actually nervous - I had a lot of complications with my first laparoscopy and I'm a little scared. I'm also worried about not being able to fully take care of E for a few days. She's 40lbs with MINIMAL head/neck/body control. (very low tone, which means she is pretty floppy.) Carrying her is hard when I'm healthy... this will be a challenge. I'm so used to doing everything for her (while Mr. M is at work. He is a hands on dad when he gets home) it will be strange allowing people to help and even harder for me to actually ASK for help. I'm stubborn.

 I didn't want to spend Christmas day in bed/on my couch/on my parents couch in my PJ's, but it looks like that's the plan! I love getting all dressed up for Christmas - I will be the family bum in all of the pictures. Booo! Mr. M did buy me a pretty spiffy pair of "lucky surgery socks"... which I will be sure to post pictures of after it's all over!

I will update late Monday  or sometime Tuesday - I will need something to do while I sit on my big 'ol butt!

Go away, cyst!

Well... my cyst, which at one point was shrinking, is now 5.9cm. (Originally it was 6.1cm)

I cried during my internal exam; I cried during my transvaginal ultrasound... I was completely miserable. This is so frustrating!

I just took some pain meds and I don't want to ramble... I just wanted to post a quick update. (And to say I've appreciated all of the get well PM's I've gotten!) Hope everyone has a fun/relaxing weekend! xoxo.

Addition: Now that I'm not medicated and can form words properly... I didn't have any follicles yesterday. So either our timing was decent (every other day for the last 12 days) or I will be needing Provera in a couple of weeks and didn't ovulate. (I'm on CD23 right now) I'm going to take an HPT every 4 or 5 days (negative pee test at RE's yesterday) since I am on percocet and nervous about taking it. I'm only doing 2 pills a day, so it's nothing crazy. In my head, I know that things that happen before you can get a positive test, are unlikely to be harmful. But, I'm a worrier.

RE also told me that we can do a few rounds of IUI, but, based on the "degree of tubal disease" I have, and the fact that every time I ovulate - I make biiig painful cysts, IVF would be our best bet. Since IVF is not covered by insurance, I do want to start with IUI - it just might take a while to end up cyst free so that I can take the meds to get me to ovulate. In the meantime we will open up a separate savings account for IVF... and hope that eventually, we end up pregnant without it and have a nice chunk saved up ;)

That was a first.

I've never cried during sex before.

I think I need an ultasound to check on my cyst... I also think poor Mr. M is traumatized and may never touch me again!

The nurse at my RE's office said, "We will all keep our fingers crossed that you just have a few beautiful follicles crowding up that ovary!" - I hope that's the case! So now, I wait for a call to see when they can take me. I HAD a followup scheduled for Tuesday but I'm in quite a bit of pain and I'd rather know what it is now than to have it get worse over the weekend, which would result in me freaking out.

I was told by the other RE in the practice, "You are a complicated case. Everything works beautifully with you when you are medicated. Big, healthy follicles. Your husbands SA was amazing... you two, by all accounts, should have no problems getting pregnant on medicated cycles. It's these damn cysts. It's frustrating for us..." Really? Frustrating for you, Dr. L?

Now I just wait. Wait to hear "You're a mean one... Mr. Grinch!" start blasting from my phone. Hahaha.

Smart cookie!

Chinese food for lunch resulted in a great fortune!

Truth.

I am constantly annoyed by people who complain, non-stop about things that they could very easily change if they really wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy to listen and offer support to my friends. It's the people on Facebook (and unfortunately in real life... where there is no "block" button) who only have something to say when they need/want to complain. Do I have bad days... you bet. But  my energy is better spent reminding myself of all that I have to be thankful for. Yes, I complain. (A lot sometimes...) But I pick myself up and thank God for all of my blessings.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Maya Angelou

Is life easy? No way! But it's sure as hell worth it.

 

Bad MrsM... Bad!

No meds = No monitoring... So I have no clue what my body is doing. I decided I didn't want to start temping because it would only be for a cycle or 2, but WHY didn't I at least use OPK's? I've only ovulated once on my own in the last year...and it was last cycle, on CD17. I'm on CD18 right now and kicking myself in the ass. I'm such a control freak, and not knowing what my body is up to is driving me nuts.

Well, nothing I can do about it... so, moving on! Mr.M is less than thrilled about the Lifetime Christmas movie we are watching right now. (Come on, Mrs. Claus is playing craps in Vegas - amazeballs.) I love Christmas movies, but... I'm glad they only happen once a year.

My drug of choice...

...is iTunes.

I am addicted. I've had some tiny generic mp3 player for years, I just transferred CD's to it, never had many songs and hardly used it. Well, I know there is an iPod touch waiting for me under the tree - so, I've already downloaded iTunes on my laptop and have started buying songs. (Please feel free to leave any and all song suggestions!) I love music... it's amazing medicine. I literally listen to everything. Country, Pop, showtunes, rock... and I LOVE me some 90's tunes ;) If I need to cry, there's a song for that. Need to get pumped up? Yup, one for that too.

Oh and PS.

NEW GIRL TONIGHT! Whoop, Whoop! Schmidt, another addiction.

Don't go breakin' my heart!

E is miserable. She is in so much pain and nothing helps. I don't know if you have ever had c-diff or know anyone who has had it but the intestinal cramping is ridiculous. She cries until she falls asleep... Wakes up and cries until she falls asleep.
She is on bentyl, oxycodone and vancomycin. We are meeting with her GI and infectious disease team to discuss the possibility of trying out a new treatment option. The procedure is disgusting, so I will spare you the details, but if you are curious... Google c-diff and transplant and read at your own risk. Honestly, I'm up for anything that could help at this point. She goes through this every few months and I'm so sick of watching her suffer. (like the poor kid doesn't have enough going on!)
On a good note... NE Patriots are the AFC East champions! That makes me smile. So does Mr. M... He keeps me sane, grounded and my level of cray to a minimum ;)

Hurry up and wait.

Well, I'm sitting in the ER with E. She has had a permanent C-Diff infection (from being on so many antibiotics and having so many hospital stays) and they think she is having a flare up. She is in horrible pain! Screaming, crying and breaking my heart. She just had a little morphine and is high as a kite. Waiting for xray and test results... And watching "My Little Pony". If it is the c-diff infection, she will be on a 6 week antibiotic taper. No fun. I'm definitely grabbing a coffee once Mr. M gets here!
For now... Hurry up and wait.

UPDATE - Waiting for discharge papers. Heading home with my peanut, pain meds and antibiotics. Woo!

Hmm...

Let's see... E is sick. Which sucks because she can't tell us what hurts, which makes it hard and stressful. She will be having some tests done on Monday if she is still in rough shape.

I saw my RE and she said my cyst feels a little smaller. (She didn't do an ultrasound because she didn't want to hurt me -I have one scheduled on December18th) She did tell me that just because I can't do a medicated cycle until the cyst is completely gone, it doesn't mean that we can't try on our own once I am pain free. I suck at ovulating and I haven't done any temping since we started medicated cycles so I think we will just have some fun. No worrying about timing or ovulation... just enjoy eachother. I mean, it's always FUN but timing is always on my mind. If nothing else, a completely laid back cycle will be nice!

I'm kind of wishing I hadn't used pictures or shared E's story so that I could vent about some of the cray cray people in my life without fear of them stumbling across this... seriously, you guys wouldn't even believe it ;) There must be something in the water! (glad I will be having wine with dinner.)

Anyways, I hope everyone has a fun weekend and gets to enjoy some family time. Mr. M works 60 hour weeks so I absolutely love the weekends!