Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!

"I Know Different"

I stumbled across this tonight and it is absolutely perfect...

"I Know Different"


Dear mommy,

I have felt your tears, falling on my face.
Someone else might think they are tears of sadness, because of what I can't do.
I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know those tears pour from your heart out of gratitude for me, because of what I CAN do : I can love everyone in the purest form possible. Unconditionally. I can be judged, but will never judge in return.
I know different because I feel, in your hugs and kisses, that I'm perfect just the way I am.
I have seen you hang your head down in shame, when we go out on adventures.
Someone else might think you are ashamed of having a child like me.
I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know you are ashamed of the grown-ups who ignore me, yet talk happily to all the other children. The grown-ups who won't look you in the eye, but stare at me, when they think you don't see. I know different because I've seen the many, many more times you have raised your head up high, with pride, because I'm yours. : )
I have heard you whispering desperate prayers at night. Someone else might think you are asking God to make me a typical kid.
I KNOW DIFFERENT.
I know you are thanking Him that I got to be here, with you, for another day- exactly how I am. I know different because I have heard you ask me never to leave you. And I have heard you cheer for me, every single day of my life- you tell me I don't need to be typical to be amazing, I just need to be here.
I know you have a big job, taking care of me.
I know your body hurts, because I'm getting so big.
I know that more than anything, you want to hear me say your name.
And I know you worry that you aren't good enough, and that you will fail me.
BUT I KNOW DIFFERENT MOMMY.....
I know that even on your worst days, you will always be enough for me, and I will always love you more than you know.
by Tricia Proefrock

I like to overdo things...

Well... I'm on the mend. Slowly.

Having a 40lb child who can not sit up or even hold their head up is hard on a good day... nevermind when I feel like someone spent hours stabbing my insides. Today is a bad day. I haven't been resting much at all since surgery and I'm paying for it. I lifted E earlier, she was crying and miserable, and I felt a pop inside and have had this awful burning pain since. Mr. M is on a mini vacation starting tomorrow. He doesn't go back to work until Thursday, which makes me smile. A lot.

I wasn't super loopy after surgery... (a huge thank you to Mrs. L and my dad who stayed with me in shifts!) But I did announce to the nurses that "Mrs. L is my prettiest friend, please don't tell the ugly ones!" Haha! Christmas was okay. I did a lot of stairs which wasn't a great idea, but I was spoiled by my family. (Honestly, I love doing the spoiling. Mr. M and I aren't rich or even close... but we were able to do a little more for our loved ones this year than usual and their faces were amazing!)

 I'm attaching a few pictures from my kindle so they will probably be huge until I get on the laptop and shrink them! Me with my new iPod, Mr. M with his new surround sound, E looking festive and my gorgeous get well soon flowers and framed family picture from my wonderful husband.


I'm blessed with so many amazing people in my life! Thankful everyday!

Home!

I'm home from the hospital! Had a lot of unexpected stuff done. They removed my cyst, cleaned up a bunch of scar tissue and endometriosis which resulted in my blocked tube opening up! I'm very sore since they did quite a bit of "work" in there... But happy to be home. Enjoy this lovely picture of my lucky socks - and sexy hospital booties! ( sorry if it's huge. I'm on mobile and it only posts one size. I will shrink it when I get on the laptop )

What are YOU doing on Christmas Eve?

Oh, me? I'll be in the OR at 7:30am.

My cyst is still big and painful and my doctor wants it out. You can actually see/feel it through my belly! They will be re-checking my tubes, looking for endo and all that stuff while they are in there, too. She told me it will be more painful and longer than my last lap since they will really be moving things around and taking something out. Fun.

I have to be at the hospital at 6:15am and Mr. M can't get the day off from work :( BUT my amazing friend Mrs. L offered to babysit me! If I can't have the husband there... she is the next best thing! (she is great at keeping me smiling.) I'm actually nervous - I had a lot of complications with my first laparoscopy and I'm a little scared. I'm also worried about not being able to fully take care of E for a few days. She's 40lbs with MINIMAL head/neck/body control. (very low tone, which means she is pretty floppy.) Carrying her is hard when I'm healthy... this will be a challenge. I'm so used to doing everything for her (while Mr. M is at work. He is a hands on dad when he gets home) it will be strange allowing people to help and even harder for me to actually ASK for help. I'm stubborn.

 I didn't want to spend Christmas day in bed/on my couch/on my parents couch in my PJ's, but it looks like that's the plan! I love getting all dressed up for Christmas - I will be the family bum in all of the pictures. Booo! Mr. M did buy me a pretty spiffy pair of "lucky surgery socks"... which I will be sure to post pictures of after it's all over!

I will update late Monday  or sometime Tuesday - I will need something to do while I sit on my big 'ol butt!

Go away, cyst!

Well... my cyst, which at one point was shrinking, is now 5.9cm. (Originally it was 6.1cm)

I cried during my internal exam; I cried during my transvaginal ultrasound... I was completely miserable. This is so frustrating!

I just took some pain meds and I don't want to ramble... I just wanted to post a quick update. (And to say I've appreciated all of the get well PM's I've gotten!) Hope everyone has a fun/relaxing weekend! xoxo.

Addition: Now that I'm not medicated and can form words properly... I didn't have any follicles yesterday. So either our timing was decent (every other day for the last 12 days) or I will be needing Provera in a couple of weeks and didn't ovulate. (I'm on CD23 right now) I'm going to take an HPT every 4 or 5 days (negative pee test at RE's yesterday) since I am on percocet and nervous about taking it. I'm only doing 2 pills a day, so it's nothing crazy. In my head, I know that things that happen before you can get a positive test, are unlikely to be harmful. But, I'm a worrier.

RE also told me that we can do a few rounds of IUI, but, based on the "degree of tubal disease" I have, and the fact that every time I ovulate - I make biiig painful cysts, IVF would be our best bet. Since IVF is not covered by insurance, I do want to start with IUI - it just might take a while to end up cyst free so that I can take the meds to get me to ovulate. In the meantime we will open up a separate savings account for IVF... and hope that eventually, we end up pregnant without it and have a nice chunk saved up ;)

That was a first.

I've never cried during sex before.

I think I need an ultasound to check on my cyst... I also think poor Mr. M is traumatized and may never touch me again!

The nurse at my RE's office said, "We will all keep our fingers crossed that you just have a few beautiful follicles crowding up that ovary!" - I hope that's the case! So now, I wait for a call to see when they can take me. I HAD a followup scheduled for Tuesday but I'm in quite a bit of pain and I'd rather know what it is now than to have it get worse over the weekend, which would result in me freaking out.

I was told by the other RE in the practice, "You are a complicated case. Everything works beautifully with you when you are medicated. Big, healthy follicles. Your husbands SA was amazing... you two, by all accounts, should have no problems getting pregnant on medicated cycles. It's these damn cysts. It's frustrating for us..." Really? Frustrating for you, Dr. L?

Now I just wait. Wait to hear "You're a mean one... Mr. Grinch!" start blasting from my phone. Hahaha.

Smart cookie!

Chinese food for lunch resulted in a great fortune!

Truth.

I am constantly annoyed by people who complain, non-stop about things that they could very easily change if they really wanted to. Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy to listen and offer support to my friends. It's the people on Facebook (and unfortunately in real life... where there is no "block" button) who only have something to say when they need/want to complain. Do I have bad days... you bet. But  my energy is better spent reminding myself of all that I have to be thankful for. Yes, I complain. (A lot sometimes...) But I pick myself up and thank God for all of my blessings.

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude." Maya Angelou

Is life easy? No way! But it's sure as hell worth it.

 

Bad MrsM... Bad!

No meds = No monitoring... So I have no clue what my body is doing. I decided I didn't want to start temping because it would only be for a cycle or 2, but WHY didn't I at least use OPK's? I've only ovulated once on my own in the last year...and it was last cycle, on CD17. I'm on CD18 right now and kicking myself in the ass. I'm such a control freak, and not knowing what my body is up to is driving me nuts.

Well, nothing I can do about it... so, moving on! Mr.M is less than thrilled about the Lifetime Christmas movie we are watching right now. (Come on, Mrs. Claus is playing craps in Vegas - amazeballs.) I love Christmas movies, but... I'm glad they only happen once a year.

My drug of choice...

...is iTunes.

I am addicted. I've had some tiny generic mp3 player for years, I just transferred CD's to it, never had many songs and hardly used it. Well, I know there is an iPod touch waiting for me under the tree - so, I've already downloaded iTunes on my laptop and have started buying songs. (Please feel free to leave any and all song suggestions!) I love music... it's amazing medicine. I literally listen to everything. Country, Pop, showtunes, rock... and I LOVE me some 90's tunes ;) If I need to cry, there's a song for that. Need to get pumped up? Yup, one for that too.

Oh and PS.

NEW GIRL TONIGHT! Whoop, Whoop! Schmidt, another addiction.

Don't go breakin' my heart!

E is miserable. She is in so much pain and nothing helps. I don't know if you have ever had c-diff or know anyone who has had it but the intestinal cramping is ridiculous. She cries until she falls asleep... Wakes up and cries until she falls asleep.
She is on bentyl, oxycodone and vancomycin. We are meeting with her GI and infectious disease team to discuss the possibility of trying out a new treatment option. The procedure is disgusting, so I will spare you the details, but if you are curious... Google c-diff and transplant and read at your own risk. Honestly, I'm up for anything that could help at this point. She goes through this every few months and I'm so sick of watching her suffer. (like the poor kid doesn't have enough going on!)
On a good note... NE Patriots are the AFC East champions! That makes me smile. So does Mr. M... He keeps me sane, grounded and my level of cray to a minimum ;)

Hurry up and wait.

Well, I'm sitting in the ER with E. She has had a permanent C-Diff infection (from being on so many antibiotics and having so many hospital stays) and they think she is having a flare up. She is in horrible pain! Screaming, crying and breaking my heart. She just had a little morphine and is high as a kite. Waiting for xray and test results... And watching "My Little Pony". If it is the c-diff infection, she will be on a 6 week antibiotic taper. No fun. I'm definitely grabbing a coffee once Mr. M gets here!
For now... Hurry up and wait.

UPDATE - Waiting for discharge papers. Heading home with my peanut, pain meds and antibiotics. Woo!

Hmm...

Let's see... E is sick. Which sucks because she can't tell us what hurts, which makes it hard and stressful. She will be having some tests done on Monday if she is still in rough shape.

I saw my RE and she said my cyst feels a little smaller. (She didn't do an ultrasound because she didn't want to hurt me -I have one scheduled on December18th) She did tell me that just because I can't do a medicated cycle until the cyst is completely gone, it doesn't mean that we can't try on our own once I am pain free. I suck at ovulating and I haven't done any temping since we started medicated cycles so I think we will just have some fun. No worrying about timing or ovulation... just enjoy eachother. I mean, it's always FUN but timing is always on my mind. If nothing else, a completely laid back cycle will be nice!

I'm kind of wishing I hadn't used pictures or shared E's story so that I could vent about some of the cray cray people in my life without fear of them stumbling across this... seriously, you guys wouldn't even believe it ;) There must be something in the water! (glad I will be having wine with dinner.)

Anyways, I hope everyone has a fun weekend and gets to enjoy some family time. Mr. M works 60 hour weeks so I absolutely love the weekends!

Christmas card pictures = FAIL

My child is against smiling when a camera is out.
IF she happens to smile, she will drop her head or look to the side... she does not cooperate.


We attempted to get a Christmas card picture tonight. 

50+ pictures later, the best shot is one where she is clearly staring at my rack. Looks like we will be using older, less festive pictures or having a re-shoot in a few days.

It's Starting!

     Someone, please come steal some of my Christmas spirit. (Mr. M would appreciate it.) I am not 100% sure why but I am completely throwing myself into it this year. Part of me thinks that it's because I know that if I slow down, give myself time to actually think... I would end up sad. This whole "trying to get pregnant" journey, I've fought the desire to be sad. I've allowed myself to be angry and frustrated even disappointed but for some reason, I feel like I'm not entitled to be sad. I have one child... A child we were told wouldn't be with us long, what do I have to be sad about?? Yes, she is enough. More than enough. E is absolutely amazing and loved more than I could ever put into words! But, I would be lying if I said a part of me didn't long for first words and first steps. First dates and weddings. Would I be ok if E is the only child we are blessed with? Ok is an understatement. We would be ecstatic and thankful for her... Like we already are! Everyday! Does this change the fact that I would like a 2nd child? No. Does wanting a 2nd child mean we are any less thankful for E? No way! It's just a really tough emotion to put into words. Anyways... I guess this is why I don't feel like I am allowed to be sad. I already have so much AMAZING in my life. So much love.
     The tree is up. The stockings are up. The presents (what we have so far) are wrapped and Christmas music has been playing since Friday! E is loving all of it! The lights, the sounds... Her smile is amazing!
     It's surreal. This is our 2nd Christmas trying to get pregnant. Last year, I was so convinced I'd be pregnant by Christmas that I ordered Mr. M this big fortune cookie and had the fortune say "congratulations Daddy, E is going to be a big sister"! Christmas came and went. Ok, I will hold onto it for Valentines Day... Nope. Mr. M's birthday in March? Nice thought... But no. I ended up just giving it to him. We nibbled at the cookie and threw the fortune out. You never expect it to take this long. But, we have some amazing people to help get through. I really only talk talk to one friend about all of this, Mrs. L, and she is amazing. A huge support and one of the best people I have ever met. We laugh... A lot. 17 years of friendship does that to people. Brings us back to giggling 11 year olds on the playground. I love it.
     I am using the blogger app on my phone and I'm not a fan. My spacebar completely broke off my laptop so I am stuck with my phone and kindle for now. I wanted to add a picture of our tree... But I'm not sure if that's even possible. Hmmm....
Hey, it worked ;)

Gobble, Gobble!

     CD1 on Thanksgiving. Gross. I think that since I knew I wasn't pregnant and that we have to avoid getting pregnant for a while, it didn't hit me hard at all.

    I drank wine, stuffed my face and cried while saying my "I'm thankful for..." like I have every year since E was born. I'm thankful for and appreciate EVERYTHING because of her. She wasn't supposed to see her first Thanksgiving... and yesterday was number 5! She has helped take me from a selfish, spoiled and snotty child to a gracious, hopeful and thankful woman. She has made me the best possible version of myself! I guess the number 1 thing I am thankful for is her strength. She is a fighter. She fights everyday of her life.

     The highlight of my Thanksgiving? Seeing the way she looks at Mr. M when he holds her. She loves her daddy so much!

Happy Thanksgiving

2012

Survey says...

TTA for the next 4-6 weeks.

     RE repeated the ultrasound and came out with a size of 6.1cm's. It's a complex/hemorrhagic cyst - filled with blood and some tiny bits of tissue. RE said that if I can try to get through the pain for the next week, it should get better. Apparently it's one of the most painful types... so it's going to be a Percocet filled Thanksgiving! I go back in a week to "re-assess the situation". If the pain gets worse or isn't well controlled, I will have to go into the OR and have it removed.

     We have decided that once this bad boy is gone, we will be moving on to IUI. So, MAYBE December, but probably more like January. We'll see what my body decides to do. 

     I'm so angry/frustrated with my body.  Today is one of those days I am having a hard time "Looking on the bright side".

HEY, I found the silver lining... Percs should make certain family members a little more tolerable on Thanksgiving ;)

Really?!

    I went to my PCP yesterday because I've been dizzy, nauseous and throwing up off and on for almost 2 weeks. They did labs, urine test and an ultrasound. I have another freakin' cyst! (5.6cm) I am waiting to hear from my RE... my PCP was contacting them. I'm so annoyed. I know people deal with a lot worse than this... but today, I'm pissed.

Crazy? Could be...

     I am one of THOSE people...  I want to put my Christmas tree up! Mr. M would probably divorce me. (It might be a chance I'm willing to take.) Christmas just gives me that feeling... that sappy, cliché, warm and fuzzy feeling. Ok and I also want the tree up so that we can take our Christmas card picture before December 20th this year. Hi, I like to procrastinate.

     My mother created a monster!

     I grew up thinking Christmas threw up inside EVERYONE'S home... Nope, just ours. I would go to a friends houses and couldn't understand why they just had a tree, stockings and a wreath. I managed to fight off my crazy Christmas roots until recently - the last 2 years, I have fully embraced them! If the worst thing someone can say about me is, "Bitch goes cray cray on Christmas", I'll take it.

     E isn't REALLY able to "get" the whole Christmas thing, but she absolutely loves the lights and music! (so clearly I go overboard for her. Yeah, that's it. For the kid.)

     I'm off to bring some boxes of Christmas cheer up from the basement. I WILL behave until the day after Thanksgiving... repeat, repeat, repeat...


Anyone know of a good divorce attorney? ;)

Blingity-Bling!

Alright - enough of that heavy chizzz...

      I don't know when I ovulated, I know it was last week and I only had sex twice last week. Screwed. (due to a lack of screwing.) I think Mr. M is feeling bad that I'm not knocked up yet. I've been... frustrated lately. Not sad, just frustrated. Anyways, he brought me out for a nice dinner last night and gave me my Christmas present... shiny new bling! I had a cute little 3 stone ring, it was a cheap replacement for my huge rock that went MIA. It was cute, but it didn't have sentimental value, this one already does. I pointed out a similar one in a magazine and said I LOVED it. He remembered. Pay no attention to the wrinkly old lady hand... ew.

     Needless to say - this cheered me up! I'm ready for cycle 12 if this isn't my month. I'm ready to kick cycle 12's ass!
    
  

The Turth, The Whole Truth... Nothing but The Truth.

     Where should I start? How about the beginning...

     On May 12th, 2007 I married my soul mate, Mr. M - and on May 26th, 2007 (exactly 2 weeks later) I gave birth to our beautiful daughter, Emily. The honeymoon was over. 
     
     My pregnancy was uneventful, but my first month as a mother was anything but. When E was born, she seemed healthy - but she failed her newborn hearing test. Her pediatrician, Dr. Nelson, ordered a head ultrasound "just in case" and we waited to be released until the results were in.  Dr. Nelson came in, shut the TV off and we knew it wasn't good. All we were told was, "I'm not a neurologist, but it's not good.". We were sent home and told to call our local children's hospital and get her in with a neurologist, she was stable.

 

     We spent 7 days at home... waiting for her appointment, not knowing if we were going to lose her, not having any clue what was wrong.

     When we went to Boston Children's Hospital, E immediately went in for an MRI. Her neurologist asked for a private family room where he could speak to us... yet again, it can't be good news. We were told our baby girl, our perfect 10 day old, pink cheeked, fuzzy headed 8lb baby was missing the majority of her brain. The doctor didn't know if she had a series of strokes, a genetic disease or developed some kind of infection. We were also told that she had hydrocephalus, the fluid wasn't draining from around her brain... she needed emergency surgery. They drilled a hole in her skull and inserted a "drain"; the tubing goes under her skin all the way into her stomach where it drains. She was admitted to the NICU immediately.

     

      It was a long, hard 4 weeks. Em developed seizures, had a bleed after surgery and spent almost a week on a vent. Finally we had our "Family Meeting"... we sat at a table, in a room surrounded by doctors. We listened to them tell us she wouldn't see her first birthday, she would be blind & deaf, she would never move, smile, make a sound, never sit, roll over, walk or talk. She would be a vegetable. Our world crumbled. No first steps? No first words? No first date? We brought home our baby, not knowing how long we would have her.

    Cut to present day... our beautiful 5 year old is very much alive! It has been a long road... full of hospitalizations, surgeries, therapies and specialists. She uses oxygen now and then, she is unable to walk, talk or sit up, she can barely move her arms at all; she has a feeding tube and she is legally blind but let me tell you -- her smile and her giggle are infectious! This little girl loves life more than anyone I have ever met... and she has every reason and every right not to. She coos and yells, she kicks her legs when she is excited and she has perfect hearing. She is our miracle, our hope. We don't know how much time we have... but everyday is a blessing.

     In July 2011, after extensive genetic testing and the "OK" from the geneticist, Mr. M and I started trying for our 2nd baby. My cycles have always been whacky, but, E came from having sex twice without protection so, it was completely going to be a piece of cake. Yeah right. Here we are in November of 2012, 16 months later, no baby. (I could have almost had 2 by now!)  I had a lap&dye in February 2012 (a couple of small incisions, and dye was put into my fallopian tubes to make sure they were clear) Nope, they weren't. My doctor was able to clear one of my tubes, but not the other. It was a rough surgery... a blood vessel was cut and I ended up inpatient getting blood transfusions. No fun. I'm not ovulating on my own and have PCOS, there are a bunch of TINY painless cysts on my ovaries, so I have been taking medications to help out with that. Clomid gave me big cysts and thinned my lining so on to Femara. 
     
     I ovulated last week so now I'm just waiting to see what this cycle brings... I'm always cautiously optimistic, with everything in my life. This is no exception.